Second Chances

How can a person possibly put into words how it feels to say goodbye to someone who gave you a second chance at life, with no strings attached?  It's a tale that's both hard to tell, but also necessary, for more reasons than I can explain.

Twenty-two years ago, at the age of 27, I found myself in a very dark place.  Life had come collapsing down around my shoulders and my inner strength gave out.  The burden of my life as a 4th generation Jehovah's Witness, a failing marriage, and health issues had turned a once vivacious young woman into an emotional wreck.  While a group bible study was going on in my living room, I found myself on the floor of my closet, in the dark, calling the only person I knew could help me--Don.

Seven years earlier, at the tender age of 20, I became a patent legal secretary for a law firm in Phoenix, Arizona.  Don was the one who hired me.  He was impressed with my tenacity and good diction.  He quizzed me on where commas should be placed in sentences, and discovered I had an outrageous typing speed.  It was a unique interview...but an immediate connection.

After a few months, I was made the office manager.  He made each of the partners give me a check for $100 and sent me out to shop for clothes, with specific direction on what I should buy.  My uber-conservative "church clothing" wasn't cutting it for a professional office, I guess.  He took me under his wing and taught me how to be the best employee I could be.

We had amazing discussions.  He loved when I tried to preach to him.  The man was a genius (and a member of Mensa) who loved nothing more than to bait me into theological discussions that usually left me feeling like a dolt.  But, nonetheless, I'd go back for more.  Little did he know, but he was actually putting small cracks in my cult-think.

I'll never forget when he told me that I was the daughter he'd always wanted.  He showered me with love and kindness, and swift kicks in the ass.  In other words, he treated me like a daughter.  After I moved out of state, we still kept in touch through letters and calls.  This kind of relationship with a "worldly" person was very much frowned upon by the church, but....

So, when I found myself in a closet, in the dark, I knew who would help me.  As soon as he heard my voice, he knew I was in a bad way.  He said, "Just get here.  Don't worry about anything else.  Just get here."  The next day, I packed my clothes in my car and drove 8 hours straight through to his doorstep in Phoenix.  He let me pour it all out, never judging, never condemning...just supporting.

I had no money, no job, no place to live.  He provided it all.  As I was in and out of an emotional fog, he was in the background making arrangements to get me into a counselor that specialized in helping former cult and high-control group members.  I was scared.  No, mortified.  I was afraid that these worldly people were going to turn me against God, and that they would let demons into my mind.  This is what I had been taught.  I was like a skittish colt; but, he gentled me like a horse whisperer.  Giving me one book after another to read, he began to open my mind to new ways of thinking.  He taught me to think critically.

When the church elders began calling repeatedly, sending me into panic attacks, he pulled the plug on the phone.  When they stalked the front of the house, he let it be known he knew they were there.  Don had been a former Scientologist, and knew all of the tricks of high-control groups.  He protected me and gave me the space I needed to heal.  In short, he saved my life.  

When all was said and done there was no way I could ever repay him for the money he had spent on my mental health.  When I told him this, he gave me his patented look--that 'would you get your head out of your ass' look for which he was famous.  He put his hands on my shoulders and looked me in the eye and said, "I love you. All I want you to do is to pay it forward.  If you find someone else in the same boat, you help them."

Last week, he lost his life to cancer at age 79.  Today, friends said their farewells and shared their stories.  So many were like my own.  I can't begin to imagine the number of people who have gotten their own second chances because of this one man who lived his life with one mission--to leave the world a better place than when he arrived.  He succeeded in spades.

Thank you, Don, for a second chance at life.

Sometimes you have to stop paddling...

I had one of my zen moments last week while camping on the Peshtigo River in northeast Wisconsin.  While kayaking up the river one afternoon, decompressing after a long stretch of high stress, I realized that sometimes we are so busy paddling against the current, that we are missing things that can be just below the surface.  Yes, while doing all this paddling, sometimes we are obscuring the view.  This was a real-life lesson, as I decided to just stop for a moment.  When the ripples subsided, I could see all the way to the bottom of the river.  I saw beautiful Bluegill fish, river oysters, minnows, crawdads, and various underwater plants.

The lesson for me is that I need to be still and quiet sometimes...look and listen at what might be just below the surface of all the commotion.  There is a time to paddle and make tracks, and there is a time to slow down and pay attention at a deeper level.  One of the phrases in the Lean world is "sometimes you have to slow down to go fast."  By taking my time and being more purposeful, I will be able to paddle stronger when the time is right, reaching the goal faster...and probably be a saner and more supportive teammate during the journey.

Apostate - Not What You Think

Apostate—it’s a word that can strike fear into the hearts of most Jehovah’s Witnesses.  They view apostates as being under the direct influence of Satan the Devil.  As a matter of fact, in the July 15, 2011 issue of The Watchtower (a Watchtower Bible & Tract Society publication) they go so far as to call apostates “mentally diseased.”  That’s pretty strong language, don’t you think?  The study article goes on to say, “Suppose that a doctor told you to avoid contact with someone who is infected with a contagious, deadly disease. You would know what the doctor means, and you would strictly heed his warning. Well, apostates are “mentally diseased,” and they seek to infect others with their disloyal teachings. Jehovah, the Great Physician, tells us to avoid contact with them.”

Let’s take a look at this step-by-step.  First of all, what is the commonly accepted definition of the word “apostate?”  Most dictionaries have a similar rendering of this word as a person who renounces a religious or political belief or principle. The term is used in religious and political settings.  Not scary so far, is it?  I would posit that anyone who converts from another religion to become one of Jehovah’s Witnesses is an apostate, because they renounced their former religion and/or belief system.  So, it’s ok for converts in, but not converts out?  I smell a bit of hypocrisy here, don’t you?

In the article referenced above, which was studied worldwide by Jehovah’s Witnesses, those who no longer share their beliefs are compared to someone who is mentally diseased; encouraging current members to “avoid contact” with them.  It has long been their practice to shun any member who has been booted out of the congregation (disfellowshipping), as well as those who choose to leave (disassociation).  This single doctrine has split up more families than you can imagine.

However, in this direction from religious headquarters, they seem to be missing a very key example of how to view those who are “diseased.”  For instance, in Mark 1:40-45, we read about the leper who appealed to Jesus’ sense of compassion.  Now anyone knows that leprosy was one of the most feared diseases of Jesus’ time.  Lepers were outcasts and completely avoided at all costs.  Yet what did Jesus do?  Let’s see:

40 And a leper came to him, imploring him, and kneeling said to him, “If you will, you can make me clean.”41 Moved with pity, he stretched out his hand and touched him and said to him, “I will; be clean.” 42 And immediately the leprosy left him, and he was made clean. 43 And Jesus sternly charged him and sent him away at once, 44 and said to him, “See that you say nothing to anyone, but go,  show yourself to the priest and offer for your cleansing what Moses commanded, for a proof to them.” 45 But he went out and began to talk freely about it, and to spread the news, so that Jesus could no longer openly enter a town, but was out in desolate places, and people were coming to him from every quarter.

Wow, Jesus did not avoid this diseased man; he actually reached out his hand and touched him and healed him.  Jehovah’s Witnesses clearly do not follow Jesus' example in this matter.  Instead, they teach the very opposite, evoking hatred and pain in their path.  What kind of organization preaches a message to their masses to shun those who choose not to believe their doctrine any longer, and treat them as “mentally diseased”…as if that is the worst thing in the world?

Their teachings promote intolerance and hate.  Their teachings break families apart, sewing suspicion and distrust. Their teachings promote abuse and emotional blackmail.  Why would anyone want to be part of an organization like this?

Thoughts From Above

I know it's been a while since I've blogged, but felt motivated to do so today. As I was flying home from Orlando today, I found myself in a meditative moment. It was a time to see life from a different perspective--from a birds eye view, so to speak.

When looking down from my plane's oval window, I noticed that all of the houses look alike. No one person's house looked better or worse than their neighbors'. Flaws were not so apparent. The heavens are a great equalizer--we all look like little dots from up above. Race, religion, and politics mean nothing from that vantage point. All of the emotionally charged debates that are offspring of those subjects seemed to float away on the clouds below.

For me, the take away of the moment was that we tend to see issues as much bigger than they really are. None of us is better than anyone else. We're all rubbing along together trying to figure out how to get through this life the best way we can, and we need to support each other--not cast stones and drag each other down.

Sometimes we need some distance to put things in perspective.

Lightning

This morning as I drove in to work I had the opportunity to witness a brilliant lightning display. It is quite humbling to see that amazing power streaking through the sky and then realizing I'm just a puny life form residing on this rock that is jetting through the universe. I also realized that we can have as much power and influence as that brilliant lightning bolt. Haven't we all known people that come into the world in a brilliant flash, lighting up our world, and making a difference? We may be small in comparison to the natural elements of our universe, but we do have power--power to change ourselves and the world we live in.

Nature's lesson for today: Light up the world like a lightning bolt--make a difference.

Love and Laughter

A little over three years ago I joined an online group on MySpace--a recovery group for ex-Jehovah's Witnesses. I had been out for many years at that point, but still had some residual issues, and thought that perhaps I might have something to offer others, as well. As it turned out, one of the first people I met in that group was a woman named Raven. She was one of the few folks in the group that was near my age, and I felt I could relate to in many ways. Fiery, outspoken, a super-hero defender of the downtrodden, I loved her incredible spirit.

It wasn't long after that I began to meet her children online, and eventually her hubby, too. They all brought unique viewpoints, creativity, and humor to our discussions. Over the years, we have often talked about meeting in real-life and how we might accomplish that. Recently, fortune smiled on me with a job change that has created a lot of opportunity for me, including travel. So, after three years, I was able to travel south and was welcomed into their home. What generous people to let me in their door, provide a pillow for my head, and wonderful site seeing opportunities. For all they knew, I could have been Jack the Ripper in disguise, but they had faith in me (and it went both ways, doncha know). We all had faith in each other and took a leap.

I have to say, that I have enjoyed nothing but love and laughter since I've been here. Our common past and shared journey has bonded us in ways that many "outsiders" will never understand. It is one of those rare opportunities that I can honestly say that I am glad to have traveled this sometimes painful journey, in order to add to my "family of the heart." So, to Raven, Bee, Ryan, and Mike, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for the opportunity to expand my family.

Let the journey continue....

Steph

Universal Conversation

Today's lesson was brought to me by the birds that insist on having a rather shrill dialog beginning as soon as the sun shows it's early morning rays. It prompted me to write a bit of poetry this morning (I was up early, thanks to the birds--lol).

Universal Conversation
By Stephanie Van Vreede

The first shrill call came at 4:00 a.m.
Like the referee’s whistle calling a foul.
Soon others joined in,
Creating an undirected symphony
Each adding its own harmony

Thus began the day
One voice
Then many
All joining the stream of
Endless dialog

Their message is clear
To those who will listen
With hearts, not ears
Awaken!
And join the universal conversation